Undeclared Mental Battles: Part I

Hi friends, thank you for joining me again today. For those who are new, welcome and thank you for choosing to journey with us.

I had not planned on posting anything today. Actually, I had been contemplating how many articles to put out each week. However, an inspiration for me strikes at any given moment and I find myself writing regardless of whatever plan I had. I considered making it weekend articles to allow me time to prepare, which I think is realistic and quite ideal for me considering that I have other important responsibilities as well. In any case, I am still navigating my way through this journey with my blog, I believe that with time, I will find a perfect balance if there is such a thing anyway, but I will try. Until then, I think most of my articles will be posted over the weekend, but be prepared for impromptu articles as well, just like this one is because as I said, inspiration strikes any time and when it does you just have to go with it. In any case, today was inspired by my daily devotional passage which focused on God’s Purposes and was based on Psalm 138:7-8. This scripture is David’s praise to God for guiding him through the rough times in his life. This passage is his reflection on the goodness of God especially having been by His side through both the good and bad times. In this scripture, he acknowledges the fact that, just as God guided him in the past, He would continue to do so even in the future. This scripture and devotional passage resonated deeply with me because of everything that I have been through, of which I will share a small part of it here today.


Looking back over my life, especially the last decade, I saw the goodness and Grace of God. I swear 2013 was the hardest year of my life and doing this reflection right now, I am in total awe on how I managed to break free from all the snares that were set up for me. However, now with the relationship I have formed with God, I realize that it was all Him and I remember telling this guy who was asking me out at some point and he just did not get it. I remember him just looking at me with utter blankness, confusion and in total disagreement with this fact and said,” Why do you attribute everything to God when this has nothing to do with Him? This is ALL you; it is your strength and resilience that got you through!” I looked at him in total dismay because, in all honesty, I thought we shared the same values when it came to our relationship with God. I could not even explain to him why I attributed all these things to God because even if I’d have tried, I believe he would have remained adamant that it was not true because I realized then that his relationship with God had not even begun. He thought it was ongoing, but from his response, I was sure that he had none whatsoever. Perhaps another person here may wonder the same thing, why I attribute everything to God, that is. Well, Philippians 4:13 couldn’t have been well put, that through Him (God) who strengthens me, I can absolutely do ALL things and Luke 10:37 affirms the same in stating that He (God) has given me all authority to overcome all powers of the enemy. These are some examples which to me confirm that all these have been drawn from Him; He is the one who gives me the strength, resilience, and authority which I swear on my own I wouldn’t have. So, yes, I am a believer in God; His work and His role in my life and of course, I will always attribute everything to Him!

Back in June when I saw this tweet I was in terrible place and it was the affirmation I needed. As I looked back over the few months prior to that, I truly saw His faithfulness especially since He had done all that for me and more.


So it seems that I may have deviated a bit from what I’d like to share with you guys, but at the same time I think that I have not, perhaps I just laid out my testimony first before the story behind. It is how it goes or isn’t it? Well, I don’t know but I just did it! Anyhow, in 2013 I suffered a massive emotional breakdown which almost cost me my life, and that’s the year I was diagnosed with clinical depression of which I have it managed but some days are harder than others because of certain things that trigger it. Otherwise, I am all good and appreciative of life. It wasn’t an easy journey getting me to a somewhat “recovered” state and it very much still is an ongoing journey, because like I said, I still have a break in my psyche but I am still living, I chose to live! Some days are harder than others but I’ve somehow managed to get through. This I have accomplished through music, scripture, writing, reading affirming books and jogging. Just yesterday I read a devotional passage from Iyanla Vanzant’s daily devotion book (Until Today!: Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind) about how what we go through is all part of a spiritual journey for us to build stamina that it isn’t in any way a determinant of failure and I couldn’t agree more. Such are the things that have carried me through and preserved my life- the words of affirmation!

Allow yourself to move through every experience and situation with grace and ease, supported by the Spirit of life, which knows that your success is assured.

Iyanla Vanzant


Living with depression is honestly inexplicable. I opened up about my condition to my former partner, whom I had met in 2017 and in detail shared with him what happened to me back in 2013 which had actually been a trigger and led to my clinical depression diagnosis. His response lacked empathy that it hurt me so much. He said, “This is what privilege looks like. Depression doesn’t affect black people it is a thing that came with white people and we chose to adopt it. You just don’t know how to deal with things. You are weak!” Hurt is an understatement in explaining the kind of emotions I felt right that instant especially since they came from a man, who had pursued me, made me believe that he loved me and through his actions had led me to fall in love with him. Honestly, there are no words to explain how I felt. For him to call me weak and not support me through this was cruel, having the potency of a blow to the gut. What hurt me the most was his lack of understanding of how hard it was for me to even open up about this. Instead of him comforting and supporting me, he dragged me!


It’s interesting how despite all the talk on mental health and how depression claims the lives of many, people still fail to understand it or perhaps are ignorant of the fact. This I think is the reason a lot of us choose not to share about what we are going through because we have since learned that people truly don’t want to offer support and honestly they aren’t interested at all! Not so long ago I shared my condition with an acquaintance in the social sciences field with whom I believed would actually understand because of her background in psychology. She flat out said, “This is a bad spirit and it’s communicable. Please don’t pass it onto me!” After having said that, she walked away. I swear the way she handled the news was as if I had told her that I had Tuberculosis or Leprosy or some other form of contagious condition for that matter. Such responses to anything you share about your life, not just the state of your mental health, are all the reasons why people end up being secretive and allow these things to eat them up until they resort to ending the pain through suicide.

Depiction of a broken psyche. “The painting describes a person with psychological problems. His endless screaming makes his own mind eat him up.” The artist was making an illustration of his thoughts and pain within of which I relate to.


In all this, I have learned that though God has led me through my tough circumstances He has fulfilled His purpose for my life through saving and molding me into an image worthy of Him. I am and will forever be grateful for His guidance and protection through those difficult times. I have learned that what happened was for my good and has enabled me to trust Him because He knows what is best for me. I am a testament to the concept of growing through what you go through and how it has birthed something new inside me. My outlook on life is positive, and I choose to see no negative to it, for that I am proud.


This is where I will leave things for today. I know there are gaps and you must have questions but look out for my next article, on Saturday, 18 January 2020. Who knows, perhaps you’ll get all those details then. Let’s see where we get then. So the journey continues!


I am still holding on!

“Symbol of affirmation and solidarity against suicide, depression, addiction, and other mental health issues.”

Love,
Gcie


6 thoughts on “Undeclared Mental Battles: Part I

  1. God really let’s us pass through some circumstances on purpose.
    I was in church on Sunday and the pastor was talking about the situations God let us pass through on purpose. He says he does that so that we come to him and grow spiritually.

    We just need to constantly remind ourselves that God is with us all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have no idea of how I am proud of you for starting this blog. 👏👏🤗😘😀Congratulations Mageba. You are going to help so many lives with such content, more than anything you are embedding yourself in word”We overcome by the words of our mouths and testimonies ” This is it! I can wait to read more of these. So so proud. This is a beginning of a new decade filled with abundant blessings. 20 Plenty ✨✨🎉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much my dear. You & I have seen the hand of God in our lives especially last year. It sure is a new season. He is making all things new (Isaiah 43:18-19; Philippians 3;13). I truly appreciate your support. I hope my words can continue to heal, build and empower not only me but every other person. This platform will provide growth for all us. I hope that we can all share our experiences.

      Like

  3. I only just read one article and I wish soo many people could have access and read this . Thank you Gcie for your blog. I like how you emphasise on how we are all that we are because of God.

    Keep writing , sharing your thoughts and experiences..you have no idea how many souls you will touch and help.

    Liked by 1 person

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